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Leap of Faith

September 8, 2009

“Were you ever intimate with her?” she asked. Her man replied, “No, baby we were never intimate. She had seen the evidence and knew he was lying but decided to give him one more chance to come clean, “You swear it on my life?” He looked into her eyes and said, “Baby, I swear it on your life. Nothing happened between us.” She’d heard rumours of her man and this girl being more than just friends but didn’t want to believe it. She remembered all of the times she welcomed the girl into her home and suddenly felt foolish. The weird vibe she sensed from the girl whenever she was around her now made sense: the girl was jealous.

Why didn’t he tell her the truth? She could have handled it. Anything that happened before they were together didn’t matter. After all, she had a past too. And if he lied to her about this, then what else had he lied about? Why hadn’t he given her a heads up that they were together, especially since her man and this girl had worked together on a regular basis? What if the roles were reversed? She knew her man would have had a huge problem if she lied to him the way he had.

She calmly told him that she had seen the evidence and asked him to be honest. He finally told her the truth and apologized for lying. He explained it was only a fling and it could never compare to their love. He admitted he was afraid and that he never meant to hurt her. She told him that she forgave him however her trust in him had been shaken. He apologized again and promised to always be honest and upfront. They knew they could never go back but were determined to move forward.

What you read isn’t an excerpt from the latest summer beach read. It’s actually how a friend of mine confronted her man. A conversation we had about trust and its significance prompted her to share her story so I thought I’d share mine.

My experiences with trust haven’t been the greatest. Many of the guys I used to date gave me more than a few reasons not to trust them: the lies about who they were, the flirtatious emails and texts sent to other women or whether the girl who whispered something in his ear was really “just a friend” all made my head spin. I trusted my instincts and counted on them to tell me if something didn’t feel right.  I’d ask questions, the truth would always surface and if necessary, I’d move on. I’ve always had zero tolerance for that foolishness. Now I’m not saying I never got hurt but if I did, I learned my lesson and was better for the experience.

I guess like love, placing your trust in someone involves risk and only you can decide whether it’s a risk worth taking. When you enter a relationship you are vulnerable and there is a good chance your ability to trust and/or be trusted will be tested at some point. When I asked my friend why she decided to stay in her relationship she told me that she knew this fling happened before they got together and her man’s lie didn’t outweigh the love and strength of their relationship. Trusting him again would take time but they were both committed to making it work.  I’ll let you draw your own conclusions on how she handled the situation. After all, you never really know how you’ll react until you’re placed in a similar predicament.

I think if you decide your relationship is worth saving then give it your all! If you forgive your partner then truly forgive them. Don’t throw the incident back in their face…let it go. And if you messed up, don’t just say you’re sorry; show it through your actions.  Communication is essential: always let your partner know how your feeling. And above all, you need to have faith, for as someone once said, “Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.”

Do you think it’s possible to rebuild trust? I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject so be sure to leave a comment.

I couldn’t write a piece about trust without posting one of my favourite songs about the subject performed by my favourite artist, Sade. I’m thrilled that she’ll be blessing us with an album later this year. If you were lucky enough like I was to experience her Lover’s Rock Tour you know exactly what I’m talking about. Enjoy her live performance of “Every Word” below.

Trust-Nia's Piece-Leap of Faith

xoxo/Nay

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. September 8, 2009 1:05 pm

    What a great article! One thing i really liked about this article is that you kept it real about forgiving your partner. So many women and men for that matter, will act like – “if my man cheats, i’m out the door” but yet so many women really don’t leave… I think it’s healthier to determine all circumstances involved. How much is invested in this relationship? Was it characther or circumstance that led to the infedility? Is the cheating partner willing to make complete changes in order to avoid the situation again? is this a pattern? you know all of these things really weigh in to what your decision will be. and then like you said- if you do decide to forgive, YOU also have to be willing to compromise a bit- throwing up past wrong behavior everytime your partner upsets you is not going to help the relationship…
    yeah really great info in this…

  2. Simone permalink
    September 8, 2009 8:28 pm

    I believe trust is something you do for yourself and not for someone else, we as individuals need to trust our own decisions, have faith that what we choose to do is correct. Loving someone is a commitment, a long term friendship. If our friend does something wrong in life, why should we walk away and leave them when they would need us most. It may never be love again, but its a relationship put to the test and if we trust our decision, whether to stick it out or walk away, thats what we will live with…that partner may never trust themselves again but will have a deeper faith in your friendship./love.

  3. Sebastien permalink
    September 8, 2009 10:34 pm

    Nia,

    I love your writing and it is always nice to discover the new topic. Trust?! I believe that people trust in more than one way. I know people that don’t trust first, but it builds over time. On the other hand, I am the opposite. I trust really quickly, but it can disappear as quick as it came.

    Once someone jeopardize your trust, I truly believe that it is important to forgive. If you want to feel good in your own skin, you cannot have hatress within you. But once “trust” has been betrayed, it will never, and I mean NEVER be the same again. 🙂

    I hope everything is going well with you!
    xoxo

  4. September 11, 2009 10:15 pm

    I definitely agree with you. If you do decide to forgive your partner for infidelity you must completely forgive them and let it go. It’s hard but love in many cases is indeed worth fighting for.

    As I was reading this I said to myself that I would love to be the strong woman that says “enough is enough” and then walk away with pride and dignity. However I know myself and I know how much of a fighter I am. I probably would stay and try to rebuild but at what cost? I think knowing that someone was not faithful to you is a wound that will stay with you and is something that burrows deeply into your self esteem. The relationship could indeed recover but would you or I? I also wonder what is involved in building that trust back? I’ve never been in that situation before but I know that developing trust in a relationship can be difficult without having to overcome an infidelity situation?

    I don’t really have an answer for you but your article did get me thinking! Thanks so much. I love to read your stuff!

    See you soon!

  5. September 14, 2009 1:36 pm

    Trust… well, I believe that you can’t have trust without honest, open communication being the foundation of your relationship. I think many people go into a relationship without talking with their partner about their values, morales and the code that they live by… once you talk about these things, you can see if you fit together or not. And it can save you a lot of heartache. I don’t believe it’s about compromise, but collaboration with your partner.

    If you and your partner truly know and trust one another it is based on the reality that is staring you in the face rather than the image that you may want to create. Talk about infidelity – either yours or your partners – and what you would do if that took place in your relationship. By having this conversation up-front and without it being emotionally charged when something is indeed happening, it allows the truth to over-ride everything else.

    I personally don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t want to be committed 100% to me. And the excuse of “I didn’t want to hurt you” is such a cop-out. If we are all old enough to be in a relationship, then we should be mature enough to handle anything that our partner throws at us and make the right decision for ourselves.

    Plus, I’m a huge proponent of not wasting my time… if we try to “fix” things and stay together, we might miss our “Mr. Right” because we weren’t looking or we were involved. It took a hell of a long time but finally my soulmate and I were single at the same time… we are now married and pregnant!

    And we did talk and communicate about trust before we made the plunge. So now, we can argue, fight and disagree… all with the comfort of knowing that our trust and foundation is strong! And we don’t have to second guess ourselves regarding if our partner is committed to us… it is a great feeling.

    Thanks for the article and thanks for the opportunity to share my thoughts!

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